Pack it on!

Brenna showed me this site -- www.thisiswhyyourefat.com -- that's hilarious. This one's called the Porkgasm.

I wonder if people in India or China look at this page, and think, "stupid Fat Americans" -- probably. There are a bunch of skinny little factory managers in Bangalore or Kuala Lumpur, making my plus-sized Ulla Popken threads, looking at stuff like this and just shaking their heads.

Some of the things just make you ponder -- the Meta-Pizza is a pizza topped with mini-pizzas. And you CAN deep-fry damn near anything, including guacamole.

I remember seeing this Discovery Health special that I wish I could find, but I can't seem to pin it via Google -- it was called something like "I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day". I think virtually every item on this Web site fits that menu.

I'm a big broad, but that's just who I've always been, I'm just built like a medieval Irish peasant, built to crank out babies and work at hard labor. I don't diet -- I've given up on that bizarre American fad -- but I generally eat good, close-to-the-earth, simply prepared food. Not a junk food junkie. I don't graze at 7-Eleven or vending machines. Popcorn is probably my biggest junk food thing, and that's only occasionally. But I'm not built wiry, never have been.

Looking at those ridiculous food photos is hilarious -- but not to actually EAT them!

David Sedaris, My Hero

David Sedaris.

I mentioned running across that "Stuff White People Like" blog not long ago, about the St. Patricks' Day Parade. Sedaris was pretty higly ranked on that list.

I've loved David Sedaris's books for years. I haven't actually laid down the lucre for many of them -- I own "Naked" and "When You Are Engulfed in Flames" but the rest have been courtesy of the Douglas County Libraries.

What IS it about his prose? So many things, actually.

First, he writes in a way that I completely envy -- so open about his utterly flawed person. Persona? Personality? Soul? All of the above. He's so blase about the bare fact that he's greedy, selfish, self-centered, etc... and it's always a (by the way-type comment)that he's gay.

I grew up in San Francisco -- it has never, never bothered me if two men dig each other, I started seeing male friends as couples when I was a kid. Totally not a big deal to me, in the least. I love Sedaris's stance -- even when he's denigrating himself for his social failings, it's not based on his sexuality -- it's the stuff that is common to ALL of us, no matter who you're attracted to.

I just flat-out enjoy his writing.

Right now, I'm reading "Naked". I thought I had read this in the past, but turns out that I had not. In the past few days, we in the Denver area have been dealing wiht massive snow. Curling up on the sofa reading "Naked" has been fun! Hubby's asleep, daughter's at work, sun is shining but waning, and I'm reading David Sedaris talking about his wandering days in his 20's. I wish that had been my background, instead of being so totally responsible as I had been. I had an aged grandma to care for, as well as Being In Love, when I was in m early 20's. Married at 22. So I get to live a bit vicariously by David's stories about living in SF, picking apples in Oregon, etc.

I never did anything like that. Odds are great that I never will get to do anything like that. ("Look at that old lady hitchhiking..." just doesn't have that devil-may-care ring to it.)

I just kept building "a Life" and moving forward. I have never had a point in my life where where i had no idea what would come next. I was never a "hippie" (despite the fact that my daughters seem to think I was!!).

No, my life, overall, has been woefully convential, struggles and wins, money-scrambles and windfalls, the whole works has had me landed squarely in the nice-neighborhood upscale suburbs, no matter where we went. Not who I imagined I'd be, when I was a teenager, but there it is.

I look at people I know who were lucky enough to end up with that familial financial cushion called INHERITANCE, or Anticipated Inheritance, and I know that, in some wayh, I'm just a liiiiitttttlllle bit ahead of those folks. I remember my old roommate, rich NJ JAP, whose daddy would sweep in to write off checks to square her up when she overran her Pacific Heights allowance. I loved her, she was a great friend -- but the depth wasn't there. She'd never had to face loss and deal with it, or make decisions that were really risky, and have to deal with the results, good or bad.

I've had to do it on my own. I've been on my own since my mom died at 15, and I had to either sink or swim, no safety net. "They" may be more comfy, more better off, have an easier time of it than I do because they've managed to inherit big bucks -- but I can look those people in the eye and not feel bad, because what I HAVE, I have achieved without the help of Mummy, Daddee, Grandadd, Gramma, or any other relative or trust fund.

I may wish I had more bucks in the account, more zeroes in the balance, but what I have, I have earned myself, through my own personal labors. That's something to be proud of.

Finally decided how to handle this... Chimera!

OK, I've finally figured out how I'm going to handle the Blog Thing that's been bugging me for weeks. And it's actually quite simple: I'll shape-shift.

I had fun looking up the definition of CHIMERA. Greek mythological character, consisting of "diverse parts" all held together: part lion, part goat, part snake, part dragon. Parts. I have parts. And I'll just... do a chop-shop thing and part them out.

So, I've recently started two new blogs, that are designed to hit two different themes. I wouldn't presume to say "two different audiences" because that presumes that there IS an actual audience, that Constant Reader has been drawn to my scribblings (or "key-twitchings").

That's the joy of blogging for me -- I honestly don't care if anyone ever reads what I post, and I'm not focusing on trying to build a readership. I have to do that enough at work; when I'm home, and thinking about my own stuff, I honestly don't care if anyone pays attention or not.

That's Guy Kawasaki's view, too -- at least on Twitter. "If you don't like what I'm writing about, then Don't Follow Me." Very simple. And I'm big into simplicity right now.

But that's something for another blog.

Simplicity means... getting rid of stuff. That's the #1 goal right now.

I figure we'll move some time next summer. When we do, I want to have about half the stuff we do right now, maybe even less. I hate being bogged down by consumer claptrap.

Any way -- I'm at the point where I'll start inviting people who've been curious, to know where this blog is.

There are maybe a handful of people that I could be arrogant enough to thing they'd really like to read some of my posts to get a better understanding of who I am... and they just might do that. But I'm copying and deleteing stuff to other, more appropriate locations.

(Whoa. Arrogance check. That sounds like maybe I'm either an axe murderer, or I have some other sort of mysterious other life -- SO not the case, but as I've posted ad nauseum, I just flat-out have not become comfortable with how to mix/mingle "me-Laura-not at work" with "me-Laura-OTJ". I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I'm really quite a boring person! I just maybe harbor some "non-bland" ideas and opinions that I would never dream of expressing OTJ. And if an y OTJ people start to scan my blog, I need to make damn sure they realize it's OK to have a personal opinion as well as a public opinion.

Happy Springtime Family Sounds

Brenna and David and Marty and I went to the Tanner Gun Show today. I think he owes me some sort of foofy, girlie event at some point.

Walking the Gun Show made me feel like those times when I used to browse the "seriously foreign" grocery stores in San Francisco -- the Asian or Russian stores. You can occasionally spot a few things that you believe you recognize, but the rest of the merchandise could just as easily be from Planet Vetsuvian, from long long ago and far far away.

Who ARE these people? I know they all listen to the same radio stations that my husband does... but when they all come out of the woodwork at once, it's... interesting.

But, hey, we did get matching ear protection for when we go to the gun range, so that's something.

Right now, I'm at my desk typing this, listening to the happy sounds from downstairs. Ayla's off with her new BF, and David and Brenna are here with Brenna's friend. I can hear the happy-laughy sounds in Brenn's voice, that I miss so much. Seems like so much of the time when she's here, she's pissed off. Right now, I'm just luxuriating in the sound of happy family coming from downstairs... I don't want to jinx it, I just want to hear it continue.

And, as a bonus -- they CLEANED the Back Yard for me!!!!! Picked up dog poop and all! I'm so happy about that. I can start planing seeds and stuff soon... spring officially started yesterday, it hit about 74 today, and it's just a lovely, lovely day.

I was sick as a dawg all last week. Totally bleah and wiped out. I ended up missing three days of work, and I slept and slept. Slept all day yesterday (Sat) too. When your bod's sick, it tells you.

It's a pretty day. A happy day. All is well with the world, and I hope it stays this way.

Urinals are Unfair

(rant)
I KNOW my husband danced with death in recent months. I KNOW it's hard for him to get around. I KNOW it's especially hard in the middle of the night, if he wakes up, feels groggy, it's dark, and there's a gauntlet of dogflesh to dodge between the bed and the bathroom.

That said, it just drives me nuts that he is still keeping not ONE, but TWO plasitc urinals on his bedside table. And uses them every single night, both of them. Even though he really CAN make it to the bathroom, he CHOOSES to keep using the damn urinals. That just makes me nuts.

I guess one sign of progress is that he finally removed the wheelchair from his office, because he had been using the wheelchair instead of his nice leather office chair, at his desk. At least he's gotten past that. But the urinals... I think he really likes the "convenience" of it, and those two plastic jugs have gotten to be standard bedside items.

I'm a girl. I don't have that option. If I ever get fully laid up, I'll have to get myself up and moile again asap, because girls cannot pee into plastic jugs.

I just had to say it. (end rant)

Friends and Networks

I was at a luncheon last week, and ended up sitting next to a man I have admired and respected since I first met him a few years ago. He's one of those rare people who just have a "knack" for connecting with people, seemingly effortlessly -- and he does it by being willing to be of service to others. A role model for me, absolutely. He asked how things were going with me, because he knew about Marty's "near-death experiences" since Christmas -- wanted to know how I was coping with things. He asked about my "support network" in Denver -- and I had to admit that I really don't have one.

Isn't that weird? What a vulnerable admission to make, especially to someone who's in the public eye... but we ended up talking about getting together with one of his friends, who's another person I absolutely respect in Denver, just to talk, non-work stuff. The other guy lost his dad about the same age I did -- 11 -- and his mom some time ago. The things you never know about people. Yeah, I'm going to call and set it up.

I think that's been my biggest hurdle -- so much of my time, energy and focus has gone into my job (which I love) in the past few years, that that's been nearly the only way I've gotten to meet people. And I always feel I need to be careful about how I interact with people I meet somehow related to work, because I always have to be very clear about "me-person" vs. "me-OTJ representing a company."

Sure, I've met people at church -- but honestly, there's a sort of "artificial intimacy" that dwells there that just makes me uncomfortable.

I'll never forget a choir "prayer group discussion" after singing rehearsal a year or so ago. They broke us into groups, sitting around a 10-top banquet table, "sharing". This one woman I had never met before started going into GREAT detail about how her (soon to be ex-) husband had molested their daughter, how she'd had to deal with getting him arrested, dealing with his trial, AND shared the gory details of what he'd done to their ten-year-old daughter. I thought, "this is what Jerry Springer and Oprah have given us -- no filter!" And everyone around the table tut-tutted, and jumped up to lay a hand on her. It just felt... forced and phoney to me, and the whole thing made me very uncomfortable. I mean, that's just not the sort of in-detail monologue I'd do with a bunch of strangers! But then again, from her perspective, I think that's what she figured church was for. So maybe she's more mentally healthy than I am, imbued with my grandmother's Victorian ethic about "keeping yourself to yourself". Grandma was born in the 1800's, and after my parents died I lived with her until I was 18, so you really could say that I grew up in a Victorian household, very proper and formal. There were things you just DID NOT bring up with my grandmother. That's how I was trained.

So I have met more people via "work-related introductions" than I have through other means. And, because of my job, I always have this feeling like I need to stay distant. I've always wondered how other people deal with this! Or, maybe it's just that Denver is so different from the coast.

When we lived in California, and even in Seattle, but especially in SF, I never thought twice about how "work" and "friends" blurred. That's because it ALWAYS blurred: we worked with friends; and people we liked ultimately ended up working with us. That's when we owned the production company, and so much of "work" involved coming up with fun ideas, doing creative things and getting paid well for it. I still miss that, but I am in a different world now. "Work" meant traveling together, holidays together, even working-vacations together. Sharing the joys of new births, the sorrow of loss, and STILL getting work done. It wasn't 8 - 5 M - F, it was all-consuming 24/7 when we were "on" a project, and different when we weren't -- or, we'd scheduled in down-time so we wouldn't be working all the time. But making friends was always easy and simple.

I find myself not able to do that now, and it saddens me and even puzzles me. Why have I grown so distant from people? This is someting I hate to admit, but since we moved to Denver, we have not thrown a single party. The last time we had a party was 2004. FIVE YEARS ago. We used to have parties every month, and never thought twice about it! We used to have people over all the damn time -- for no particular reason. We'd have Art Parties (those were always my favorite) -- "you got some sorts of art supplies lying around -- crayons, paints, paper? Bring them over with a potluck dish. We'll break bread and make art together." I loved those parties!

So, why don't we do that now?

I know part of it -- really big reason/excuse for it -- has been all the health issues Marty has had. It's been more than I can handle, a lot of the time -- and the idea of having people in the house when there's a hospital bed in the dining room... cannot fathom it.

I daydream, though. I don't know why I seem unable to just invite people over, and relax about it, like I used to.

When we had the production company, I felt like it was actually my DUTY to host events! We had 90 people on the payroll for the biggest productions -- and I always made a point of inviting department heads over, always. I haven't even invited my work team over since living here.

Guess I don't really understand it -- but it's been on my mind so much lately, that maybe this will start to change. I mean, all it really takes is to simply schedule it and do it.

I saw an article in the Denver Post today on the Web of Healing Friendships that talked about a few Web sites for cancer survivors. The article said that having social networks is good for your health. What a concept.

This has just been something I've been pondering -- becoming vulnerable, being open, and just being a FRIEND... I promise I will start to take some actions on this point.

How about organizing an April party? I'll shoot for April 18 -- Earthquake Day, in San Francisco.

OK. That's it. Saturday, April 18 a party will happen here. I'm going to make that happen.

Green Eyeshadow

It's St. Pat's Parade day again, and I've brushed out Preston and he's ready to roll. I have now marched in St. Pat's Parades with a Wolfhound at my side for a full decade, as we got Brock in 1999. I only missed one year with a Wolfie, 2007, because Brock had died and we didn't yet have Preston.

There is no dog on earth like an Irish Wolfhound.

I've got electric green eyeshadow and a green cowboy hat on. Last year, I was dressed as Mother Nature. This didn't feel like a costume year, though. Marty can't join us, and that makes me sad... but Ayla and I get to bond.

I wish Brenna had called me back and said she wanted to come (or not). I miss her, but right now she's decided she doesn't want to talk to me. It's hard, but that's life. She's only 20, and I just have to assume/pray that this will change down the road.

Green day. Hopefully this will be fun -- it's looking like it will be a perfect Denver day.

Friday, Happy, Friday, Happy (boring but good)

It's Friday evening, a little after seven. We're going to go out to dinner shortly. Me and the hubby. THe kid's with her boyfriend (I know I'm losing her, bit by bit), her older sister has decided not to talk to me in a week, and my husband is gradually starting to sound like his old self again after all the health problems, even though he's not "back" yet, I'm seeing glimmers.

He just told his biz assoc on the phone, "I'll send you some good energy" -- I take that to mean he's feeling better. Since Xmas.

So, shortly we'll head to a very local pizza place called Via Baci, that has just good food. And they have candles, which are very flattering. He and I have not been able to go out to dinner since... last year? I think that's true, this is the first time we've been able to eat out at a restaurant since all his hospitalizations.

And it's Friday night, it's payday night, and that makes us all happy.

Simple pleasure -- happy time. I miss these sorts of simple, happy times.

Love

Thinking about how simple and special "love" is for human beings, and dogs.

Right now, I'm sitting at my laptop, typing. At my left ankle, Fargo Lebowski Higgins is passed out on the floor. Just above him, grandly snoozing out on the futon behind me, is Preston McGinty Higgins. Lab Mix and Purebreed Wolfhound, gotta be RIGHT WITH ME to be "okay". And Marty's downstairs, waiting (not really) patiently while I'm farting around online.

I have to stop this -- I have to go cook dinner. But I'm having all these little mini-epiphanies with the blog stuff, and I look at Preston's pretty brown eyes, because just now, Charlotte (ShaSha) the Grey Kitten, has jumped up to give Preston a snuggle -- and when I turned my head, there's Sha-Sha, Gumby the Wonder Kat, and Queen Sierra, Queeen of All She Surveys, Cat, hovering behind me.

Did I mention we have two dogs (Preston and Fargo) and FIVE cats (Queen Sierra, Gumby, Greg, Charlotte, and Takara, aka Wee)???

Jeez. What a total menagerie. But I love it, and would not trade it. The Fuppies are wonderful, and the Kittays are always drawn to the burning heat from Marty's inflamed leg...

The animalia make me happy when I come home. Every one of them. I can get lost in the kitties' fur-fur. Nothing smells as good as kittles.

PJ, for you

OK, last one, I swear.

PJ -- it's all your fault. You're the one who made the blurring of the lines foremost in my head the past few weeks. I'm trying hard to think of a really super-cool baby shower gift for you and K, and I'm still struggling. But this is what you get for making me thing about decloaking my blog. Dammit, now I actually need to DO it. (like there's something so big, it needs cloaking - "what the hell is my problem?")

(I actually told my boss that George Stephanopolis had Tweeted a response to you, but I was a dork, and it was the other way around -- but she was impressed. God! We just don't understand this stuff enough yet.)

As I think all the time and don't get to say enough -- I am BLESSED to work with and get to know some flat-out amazing people with my job. Just amazing. A rare breed. I thank my lucky stars all the time that work has included people who have Greatness within them. You're on that list, buddy.

Chicken Cous-Cous Blog Box

Yikes. I've blown an hour blogging and playing with the Internet. That means dinner will be the Apricot-Currant-Chicken Cous-Cous Box, because it's fast and easy, and I've been neglecting my wifely duties since I got home.

Buy, hey, I unpacked my new office today, and went to a luncheon on Obama's Economic Stimulus Plan -- how much can one woman do in a day?

(If only I lived in the Wyoming hinterlands, with my coyote pup...)

ETrade Baby ROCKS

These are some of my favorite TV commercials of all time. ETrade has just nailed it, making "so simple even a baby could do it" seem NOT cliched.

Microsoft, on the other hand... ewww. Stinky. Their "I'm a PC, and I'm Four-and-a-half" type ads are just LAME.

Love that baby.

Decloaking Part II

Had lunch with my coworker today, who gave me a really good rundown about things he's learned about using Twitter recently. And, it's made me finally decide that, okay, I AM going to decloak about my blog, and going forward, I'm going to make some changes to the direction and focus of the thing.

Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder.

I never did have a "thesis" for having a blog -- honestly, I've used it to vent, more often than not. (I'm always careful, even then -- I don't ever comment about my employer, unless I have something mildly vague and definitely positive I want to say. And truly, given MY employer, saying nice things is really very easy, because I'm happy there, the people have integrity, and it's an overall good place.) Still, we've all heard horror stories about people who've posted something about their job on their Facebook page and gotten fired as soon as the HR department found out, or people who've posted something that made them look like a jackass that had nothing to do with their employer, but once the company found out, they still got canned.

So, that's a realistic fear for ANYBODY who has both a paycheck-job, and a blog or a jones for sounding out on the Web. But, Pollyanna that I am, I've decided that coming from good intentions and being an overall polite person should keep me in line -- I DO self-sensor routinely, and I don't flame out anybody publicly (unless they're a jackass Quiznos manager who sends a poor Mexican out to broil in a vinyl suit in 100+ degree weather. (And that was way before I started my job, anyway.)

Okay. So. I've decided I'll share my blog URL with a few people. If you're reading this -- well, hello! I am, indeed, a coward about this -- and yes, I've deleted a bunch of posts, just in case.

But, for the record -- my heart is in the right place, I will be careful what I say, just as I would OTJ, and I'll definitely keep my charming husband's bizarre comedian friends' influence from showing up here. (At least, I'll try!)

But dammit, I am NOT at work, I'm at home -- and I still need to have some element of "me" that's not "me at work" -- I'll just have to practice at how to blend those.

We'll see if I can be successful, or not. Hope so.

Sherlock Downey

OK, I've been listening to a LOT of Sherlock Holmes stories from the Canon, as well as pastiches, recently. And, with Robert Downey Jr. starring in the Holmes movie that's due out later this year, it's made me think about the AGE thing.

See, in the original stories, Holmes was in his 20's and early 30's when most of the Baker St. chronicles occur. But, when you think of virtually ALL the actors who have played Holmes (the most well-known ones, at least) -- the IMAGE you get is a guy who's in his 40's, maybe pushing 50. Think Jeremy Brett. Basil Rathbone. From my formative years, there was Nicol Williamson in The Seven Percent Solution. All geezers in full middle-age.

Now, you've got Robert Downey Jr. (who I've always loved, he's an amazing actor and really cute, too) -- but I guess this makes me happy, because he's 44. Which makes me feel like I'm NOT old (even though I've been starting to feel like I am starting to head toward "old").

The thing that's cool about Downey's portrayal is that he really does seem to "get" how YOUNG Holmes was when he started solving crimes. Callow but not.

I haven't looked forward to an upcoming movie release this much in YEARS. I can't wait until this comes out, I hope it'll be great, and if it is, I'll see it a bunch of times.

Because it gives me back some youth.

(And in the mean time, I'll continue using Laurie R. King's Sherlock Holmes/Mary Russell stories to lull me to sleep. The May-December romance of those two broken souls is just beyond compelling to me. I'm sure it says something about me, but I'll handily ignore what that might be.

When a young girl loses her dad at an early age, it fucks up her brain. Proven face. That's me, forever chasing the "older and wiser" man in my head, if not in reality.

Why White People Love St. Patrick's Day

OK, so I have figured out the rationale behind the "Stuff White People Like" blog. It's really not "stuff white people like" -- it is stuff that "white intellectual coastal liberals like" -- definitely a bias toward my old 'hood in Marin County, and points similar.

But, that said, this post about why white people like St. Patrick's Day, really does sum it up quite well.

I am so ambivalent about the Denver St. Patrick's Day Parade this year. I feel so removed from it, and I have a bad feeling about the TV coverage. But we'll see... it's next Saturday.

Coyote Catalyst

I think a lot of this pondering is coming up simply because of The Daily Coyote, because Shreve has been almost TOO detailed about chronicling her personal life with Charlie the Coyote, in Ten Sleep, WY.

But, I have loved exposure to it -- schadenfruede? Voyeruism? Getting a glimpse into someone's real life can be addictive.

That's why I've always loved David Sedaris. I wish the guy was more prolific, because I hate having to wait for him to get his ass in gear and get new books out.

(One thing that is just plain fun about blogging, is the weird stuff you stumble upon. Like this site that explains why white people like David Sedaris. Now that I've found it, I'm going to have to go back to the home page, and read more about what I'm supposed to like as a white person -- since Sedaris is at #25, and honestly I didn't think he was really all that popular!)

Thoughs on Decloaking a Blog

This has been weighing on me for several months. One way or another, I've had a blog going since about 2002, though I've pulled the damn thing down multiple times, changed servers and names, and generally been very reluctant to decloak about it. I'm weird about blogs -- I honestly don't follow very many of them, but when I do, I tend to do a deep-dive into a blog for a short while, reading nearly every new and archived post before I lose interest and move onto something else.

I've never "settled myself" about what my own blog is, or what it should be. Sometimes I have posted things that I have later decided to pull down because it was just too damn much truth to have out there on the Internet. And I've had this unreasonable fear that "people I know" will stumble across my blog and read it -- though, since I've always been uber-diligent about not promoting my blogs, keeping them squarely underground, and trying to make sure people DIDN'T find it -- one might ask, "so, what IS the point of having it?"

I guess it's simply because I have always loved to write, ever since I was a kid it's been like a pressure-relief valve, and this is somehow more satisfying than writing into a notebook, which is something I have also done for years.

So, where I am at right now, is on the fence about this incarnation of my blog. Even though I've made the cowardly decision to delete out a lot of my posts, there is still a bunch of stuff I've decided to leave that, well, leaves me vulnerable to people who might read it. Not yet sure that's okay with me.

I've watched one of my coworkers start up his first blog, and although he's only been at it a couple of months, he's been doing a really good job -- his posts are interesting, he ranges far afield with "business-related" content as well as a light smattering of personal reflections and anecdotes. He started it because our company is trying to get deeper into "social media" -- and we will start a blog at some point this year. Which has me thinking about my own blog, and my reticence to share it with my team, because I just don't feel okay about decloaking to that degree, since I've mostly posted personal musings and not business stuff.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. We'll see.

Daily Coyote

I love audiobooks. I'm listening to a really good one right now, called The Daily Coyote. It's a very simple story, about a woman who fell in love with the wilds of Wyoming, and decided, sight unseen, to move to a town of 300. She ended up with a coyote pup to raise, and started a blog sending photos of the coyote to people every day. (Hence the name of the book.)

Her prose is luminous and graceful, and since I'm frequently listening to the story unfold as I drive to and from work, up and down I-25 in rush hour traffic, I look at the snowcapped Rockies to the west, and daydream about what it might be like to do something that gutsy -- just up and move to the middle of nowhere.

Things that stick out to me are: the luxury of curling up in front of a roaring fire with your cat, dog, and coyote, on a blizzarding winter day, with nothing else to do except... be. She also figures out how to teach English to Koreans in Korea from her home computer -- I mean, what a perfect idea for supporting yourself living in the middle of nowhere.

With the craziness of the economy lately, I really wonder how many people will be smart enough to just "drop off the grid" and recalibrate their lives to something like this. (Sure, it's a fantasy for me -- I cannot imagine that I could do the same thing successfully, city girl that I am, but one does enjoy the daydream.)

If this catches on, I'll be out of work

There was an interesting article in the Denver Post today about living frugally. Seems people are learning how to live without the absolutely crazed consummer-borrowing culture we've nurtured over the past decade -- WHAT a concept!

Since I work for a company that earns its keep by... consumer lending... this could be a scary thing. But damn, I love the concept. The funny thing is that we've sort of been living this way for the past several years.

I have no credit cards. I do have a corporate credit card for business purchases, but that's basically because I let them know that I was not going to be funding the business of business on my dime, and waiting for reimbursement. Not everyone can get away with this, I know, but it was just a plain fact for me. I don't imagine I will every really "want" to get a credit card again in my life -- though perhaps at some point I might finally do it again, but it won't be for at least a few more years.If they even still exist by then!

Credit cards. I hate them. Now, I have to say that MY company, as a credit card issuer, is actually one of the very rare "good guys" in a slimy business, and I can hold my head up and tell people honestly that if you need a credit card, ours really IS a good deal. 'nuf said about that, since I don't like to talk about my employer on my blog.

But... it DOES put me in a weird position, just with some of the "behind the scenes" stuff I am exposed to, working in this industry. I know more than the average bear consumer about how collections works, how lending decisions are made, etc. So that colors my perspective.

The whole financial industry is in a crisis (duh!). yesterday, the news said US unemployment had hit 8.1%, highest since about 1984ish. I know a LOT of people who have been laid off in the past three months or so. Scary.

I remember being laid off; marketing is usually one of the first departments to go under the scalpel during bad times. I've been through it more than once, and it sucks every time.

BUT...

Things are still overall good in America. And I remember that. But I LOVE the idea of just living frugally. Next thing to check out is a site called Freecycle. Actually, I know I had looked at this a few years ago, but it hadn't hit its tipping point yet, at least where I was. Now, I see that there are a bunch of Freecyclers right in my area.

Especially since Marty's been so sick, bit by bit, I've been going through all my stuff -- storage stuff, infrequently-used stuff, and trying to figure out how to get rid of it. I love the idea of barter -- that just fits me. So, who knows? Maybe I'll become a dedicated Freecycler...

revving up, then thwarted

Damn it!!!!! Just when the Luck Plane started tilting toward our heads (thanks, Bob), Marty ends up near-death again. I am honestly having trouble even dealing with this, but it's our reality.

Christmas was LOVELY, one of the best in years. (I remember Christmas of 2003, when we were really broke, and we went to the beach -- I remember writing "HOPE" in the sand in 8-foot letters with a stick. Eternal optimist, that's me.) Christmas dinner, 12/25. Marty thinks he's getting the flu, 12/27. Visit to the doctor, Fri 12/27 -- doc (who we love and trust) says, yeah, seems like the flu... then we notice his left leg is swelling and red... so he makes an appointment to see the doc who replaced his knee (with all the MRSA and related issues in 2006) -- appt is Tues morning.

Mon middle of the night, I have to call an ambulance for him -- I'm afraid he's not going to make it to morning, his pain is so great and his fever is so high.

So, we ended 2008, and started 2009, with Marty in a coma. Septic. Systemic infection, centered in his leg, but hurting his whole body. Kidneys shut down. All major systems negatively impacted -- respiratory, circulatory, cardiac. Sounds so clinical now -- but then, I was simply in a haze. Early January was spent in a dreamlike state, not even knowing what I was doing, honestly. Left the ICU every night, thinking he was going to be dead by morning. Thinking I was going to get "the phonecall" that I remember my mom getting, when my dad died. Remembering when my dad died -- Aunt Margie had come to stay with us, for The Vigil, because we "knew the end was soon".

I really could not grasp how close to death Marty was.

But it was a miracle that he pulled through. And for me and Brenna and Ayla, we struggled. Brenna is still a closed mystery to me most of the time -- she has not been the kind of kid who wants mom or dad in her world. She seems to prefer to work it out herself. Ayla alternately clung close and pushed me away, which was hard. Sometimes, just being able to put my hand on her helped me enormously.

But Marty got better. Thank god.

Now, we're holding our breath, waiting for the next round of tests, the next bit of news -- and honestly, I am expecting that the news will be bad. It's 2:20 pm on a Sunday right now, and he's snoozing in bed.

Ayla and I went swimming this morning, and then had breakfast -- and we talked nonstop. She said he's been sleeping more and more lately, which is a concern. I fear that the infection is back, despite the daily IV infusions. I fear what comes next. I fear being alone. I fear becoming a widow. I hope it doesn't come to that point.

Que sera, sera, right? I just have to roll with whatever happens. And I will.

Plus-Size Women's Clothes Swap

Hey there! If you're reading this, you probably got my email about a clothes swap. I have no idea if this will work, given that I live in Colorado, which is apparently the skinny capital of the US. However, I have always been a big broad and I have a lot of nice clothes I'd like to put "out there" to swap, instead of just bagging it all up for Goodwill. Sure, I'll bag up a bunch of it! But overall, the theme for 2009 seems to be to lighten up on the consumer baggage, the personal possessions we're all anchored with.

I have a lot of clothes in my closet that I honestly don't LOVE. Many things are really nice (and cost a pretty penny, too) -- but when I put them on, I don't feel like "me" at my best.

For example, I have a couple of outfits that I bought because I just flat-out liked the fabric and the style -- but the colors (red, black and white) were basically "ok" at the time because those were the colors of my daughter's sports team! But I look crappy in red-black-white. So I've got these lovely outfits, hardly ever worn, classic and nice... but *I* don't like wearing them. Somebody who's a blonde or with dark hair would look fabulous in these.

That sort of thing.

Anyway, one thing I hope to do this year is reach out a little more, get out of my "shell" a bit... with all the illness and medical crap my husband has dealth with the past few years, I've been mostly focused on work and family, work and family. Friends would be lovely!

So, what the hell. I'm starting with something rather ambitious -- a flippin clothing trade. Then, I'm thinking housewares, artwork, knicknkacks, etc... who knows where this will go?

One thing I DO know for sure -- I CANNOT be the only lonely, middle-aged woman/wife/mom in the south Denver area. Not possible. So hopefully this might work... we'll see.